I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize