you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
this just has baby written all over it
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
