i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize