When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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