I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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