Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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