Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
