Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
from now on my penis is your penis
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
