He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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