I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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