i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
