I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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