Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
