The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
