how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
