You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
