I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My feet surprised me
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
