I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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