I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
