You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
