WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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