I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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