Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
