Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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