I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
