Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
