evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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