I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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