do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
