You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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