I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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