What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
