my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize