flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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