If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize