fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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