you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
