The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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