I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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