I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
