i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
