Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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