you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
