You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just googled if crying burns calories
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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