don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
