Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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