we're chasing vodka with high fives
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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