I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Life is so much better after having sex.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
