mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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