just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
