I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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