what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
