Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
