do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
