did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
