No stitches, just platelets and will power
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
