So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Watching her eat just hurts me
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
