we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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