Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
